Today, I started the Lego Botanical Garden. Which was satisfying and really sad. Jeffrey would love it. He would love hanging out at my mom’s house because it is so beautiful here. He would love hearing me pause Real Housewives to fill him in on why the fight they are having matters. I can’t believe I’m in this situation. My fiancé died. I’m overwhelmed by the fact it happened, that I’m not a puddle on the floor. I feel both fragile and unbreakable. And I feel angry at feeling any of it at all. This feels very unfair. I want to be reckless and numb how horrible this feels. give me all the wine and weed so I can wake up when this is all over. But I also don’t want to because it wouldn’t change what happened. At some point I would have to feel this. So here I am. Stuck in hating everything. And not knowing what to do about it.

Except build Legos. I can do that.