It cost $5.00 to have the United States Postal Service add you to the Deceased Do Not Contact List. There is a Deceased Do Not Contact List. I never knew that. Apparently, it is managed by a third-party company called the Data Marketing Association. I tried to figure out what the Data Marketing Association does, but I got lost in too much information on their About Us page. I am going to liken my attempt to understand their purpose to the moments where I explain I used to work for a human resources company managing large Fortune 500 company’s contractor data. The responding looks on people’s faces almost always glossed to a show a “where do I start in my lack of understanding of that?” and quickly morphed to a verbal “Oh nice!” with a prompt change in subject.

Your dad mailed me copies of your death certificate and they delivered yesterday. I need proof you died to close the Xfinity and the Seattle City Light accounts because you were the account holder. I spent 2 hours on the phone with Xfinity last Friday trying to understand what to do. I was transferred 6 times before someone finally understood what I was asking. You owe a balance for your phone bill I cannot afford to pay. Each person kept asking me if I wanted to assume ownership of the account (and therefore the balance). I do not. I cannot sell your brand-new iPhone because the time for adding AppleCare expired. I do not know what to do with an unopened device I do not need and retails for $1500. I could use the money. $5.00 for the postal service to stop sending me your updates from the Social Security Administration is the least of my financial concerns.

Your death certificate confirms death due to the “Toxic Effects of Alcohol”. I had to look up the contributing factors because you are not here to tell me what they mean. The first cause listed, Anoxic Brain Injury, means your brain went without oxygen and caused brain cell death. The second cause, Hypoxic respiratory failure, means your blood also did not have enough oxygen. The third cause, Acute Ethanol Intoxication (or alcohol poisoning), occurs when someone consumes more alcohol than their body can process. You drowned yourself by drinking.

I opened the envelope with the death certificate while my mom made dinner. She hugged me knowing opening it would be hard. I think I was too in shock to even register what I was reading. Charlie, the Bichon Frisé who looks like a stuffed animal, rang the bells on the door indicating he needed to go out. I opened the sliding door and stepped into the crisp, winter evening. As I looked for the Big Dipper and Orion’s Belt, Charlie took off for a jaunt around the house. I followed him despite everything I know about pursuer-distancer relationship patterns. Tears formed in my eyes. You would have laughed at this little tyrant controlling all of our ability to complete anything without interruption. But you died because you drank so much alcohol your brain and your blood did not have oxygen. Toxic Effects of Alcohol. You saw my last message at 2:19 pm and I called 9-1-1 at 2:42pm. 23 minutes. 23 minutes to go from alive to drowning yourself.

What the fuck?